That’s one fairly self-explanatory title. Let’s jump in and pick apart our Facebook friends.
1.Lost SD Cards
So you unearthed a SD card during your regular rummage through the rubbish in the park. You’ve slipped it in to your laptop and discovered reams of perfect poses. It tears at your heart strings to think of the photo’s subject being separated from these digital images – you better share that shit on social media. It’s suddenly your mission in life to reunite the plump woman with the pictures of her last ten meals and that road sign that had been clearly – and hilariously – tampered with. You can’t bear the thought of those memories being lost, and beg the Viral Gods to fulfil that post’s destiny.
Here’s the thing – that plump woman probably won’t miss those photos. In fact, she probably immediately bought another SD, and returned to those same restaurants, ordered those same meals, and captured that same light. Anyone with a SD card of photos these days should be treated with suspicion and mistrust, anyway – buy an iPhone for Christ’s sake.
2. Charitable Acts
If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound if there’s no one there to hear it?
If I do a good deed, does it count if I don’t post it to Facebook?
It’s wonderful that you’re doing something to benefit your fellow man/the earth/that lost dog – but begging praise for the act itself on a public forum detracts from the kindness.
3. Fitness Journeys
I get it, I get it – you worked your ass off (literally) and you want to share your success with the world. And we applaud your dedication and agree that you are unrecognisably hot and that your weight loss could inspire someone else to CHANGE THEIR LIFE.
But do we really need the daily updates on the formation of that single ab? Or the weekly underwear shots before you go for a shower? #myfitnessjourney? Why not rip out #myfuckingjugular?
No girl wants to be reminded of that night she wore white pants. No guy wants to be reminded of the time he had more hair. Just delete Timehop and embrace repression like a normal person.
5. Selfie Overload
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve nothing against selfies. You want a picture befitting your mind’s eye self-image, go right ahead. But why upload an entire album, and tag your family members and friends, to garner maximum exposure? Do you really need the admiration of half-strangers? Surely a few close friends is enough of an ego-boost. SURELY you have a little more self-worth…
6. SHARE TO WIN
If it needs a full stop at the end, it’s probably not the company’s official Facebook page.
But, please, feel free to continue spamming the auld news feed with that Emirates Air. photo in the hope of winning first class flights anywhere you fancy.
And don’t forget to comment “thank you” under that free car giveaway pinned to the top of the Audi. page. You’re bound to find that in the letterbox tomorrow.
7. Baby Baths
It shocks me to the core how many people upload pictures of their just-born children enjoying their first bath. Are you serious? The internet is crawling with perverts and paedophiles and you reckon a few privacy adjustments on Facebook settings is enough to protect your offspring’s innocence? Don’t risk it – its ridiculous.
8. Hospital Check-Ins
“Such a bad pain in my stomach i’m rigged up to loads of drips and vomiting since last night – never felt so bad in my life. The doctor is doing more tests says ill be in here til next Tuesday lol xxx” at Mullingar General Hospital awaiting a colonoscopy
We’re all praying that you – and your blatant violation of punctuation – don’t make it out of that hospital.
9. Name Meanings
I’m pretty sure Mary doesn’t translate from Swahili to English to mean “thin, beautiful, intelligent second Messiah” but hey, that random Facebook quiz MUST be right.
And that goes for all those Facebook quizzes. Jesus! Pick up a book, go for a walk, watch some Judge Judy – do something constructive.
10. And finally; Vague Statuses
Don’t insult me with ambiguous updates about your life. Karma is a bitch, and whoever they are will get whats coming to them – of this, I am certain. But I need more details. Don’t dangle your dramatics in my face. Don’t leave me hanging. Don’t respond to your more overtly-nosey friends with “PM’d you, hun xxx”.
Don’t start something you can’t finish.
Give up the deets and give them up immediately – I need to know all about your pathetic life to make mine seem less pitiful. It’s how I survive.