There is a clear difference in the film industry between an actor and a movie star. An actor, by definition is someone who can disappear on screen into a role whilst a movie star simply turns up. Examples of actors include Daniel Day Lewis, Christian Bale and John Hurt. Movie Stars come in the form of George Clooney, Ben Affleck and the entire cast of The Expendables. Actors stay in character throughout the production, often going mad as consequence. Movie stars, on the other hand, stay in character for the duration of their lives. There is no method to a movie star. They just switch on the camera and start talking.
Bruce Willis is one such movie star. Originally from Germany, Willis has been one of the most well known action hero’s for the past three decades. Since 1988 this dystopian dick nugget has somehow managed to portray John McClane in over seventy movies. Each one of them portraying Walter Willis as an ordinary man faced with impossible odds, but is always on hand to quell near death scenarios with quick witted quips that are about as hilarious as putting your dog down with a shovel. Bruce cannot act. His acting technique consists of ninety percent perplexion and ten percent cheeky smirk. He holds a gun the way you’d hold an onion; at arms length rebelling tears. The nature of Willis acting ability is an infinite puzzler. He would be better suited as a doorman outside D2 or Moonlighting as an auld ones mingeleaf.
Now, I do have a soft spot for 12 monkeys directed by the always inventive Terry Gilliam. One of the movie’s achievements was how Gilliam handled Bruce Willis; by giving him a list of things he couldn’t do. Acting being one. And in doing so what we got was the real Bruce Willis; a confused sexually challenged frat boy in a constant state of bewilderment. Madeleine Stowe’s character reflects the universal consciousness when she asks Brucie boy ‘How did the hell did you get here?’ ‘I don’t know’, he exasperates. Well, either do we Bruce. Maybe you should have stuck to bartending and took a coked up casting director’s advice you had dramatic talent with a pinch of salt.
Not happy with destroying the medium of cinema, Walter Bruce Willis brought his one man war on creative thought into the music business. Lampooning classic songs such a Under the Boardwalk and Secret Agent Man in the style of; yep you guessed it…………….Bruce fuckin’ Willis. His audiences scream like hostages in the Nakatomi plaza desperate for this assault on their ears to end. He bounces around stage in the shape of a hunchback like a miserly moneylender fighting his own handicap. Bruce puts the mic up to his lips and exudes a facial expression reminiscent of dog with an itchy nose. No longer could the audience sustain such torture. They now imagine the mic as a shotgun in the hope that Bruce, in one final act of career redemption, will encore with Nirvana’s All Apologies inadvertently blowing his righteous head off, lighting the night up with his brains whilst audiences around the world stand up and in one voice collectively shout; ‘YIPPEE KAY YAY MUTHA FUCKA’