It could be said that you might as well throw your money away rather than hand it in to the bookies. It can however be a bit of craic in moderation, and big race festivals tend to bring out the odd random punter. Whether you are for or against horse racing, heres a list of 5 tips to keep you right (or not, pretty much none of them are any good).
1. Find the auld fella in the bookies. His infinite wisdom and research skills will keep you right, just walk over and strike up a casual conversation. Just don’t ask him about his haemorrhoids at all, then you are pretty much golden. TIPS GALORE! Plus mates for life… (Werthers originals too…)
2. Its all in the name! Seems simple right? Its what the odd punter maybe forgets, instead they pick the horse for the high or low odds. Everyone will love the funny horse name on your bet slip sure. Will it make you money? Maybe not but you have as good a chance as anybody else. It will however make you a comic genius, just be careful not to overplay the joke!
3. Find a horse and rub its cheeks. You’re starting to think this article is a joke right? Well it’s a well known and completely made up secret in racing circles that rubbing a horses cheeks and staring into its eyes is key. (I want to make it clear, the ones on its face. Don’t piss off the ISPCA). This is said to be the window into a horses soul, it’s secrets and a gateway to its potential, SO HUG A HORSE!
4. Make sure the trainer is top notch. It’s like Pokemon really! (No not really!) You gotta catch ’em all, so the fella with the most horses in the event has got to be the one. Sure one goes down the Pokeballs come out and another comes up ready to run. BOOM PONYTA! (Thats the Horses name below, not slang)
5. The form, its all about the form. Is the horse good craic or not? Does the horse have a good set of equipment on them? (Keep it clean, remember…ISPCA) I’m not saying you need to check each horses private bits, male or female. It needs to be a defined and robust specimen, a tank of sorts, really bulked up. Which in turn is great for their running potential, POWER.
I hope this guide is clear in the fact that it is complete nonsense! However if all or some tips do work please let me know and I will be very amused.
All the best to anyone having a flutter on the horses, just remember to be responsible and enjoy it!