Now before you even start, I know what you’re thinking; “nice one Byrnes, any old excuse to spend an afternoon looking up porn sites”. Well first off it wasn’t an afternoon, more like an entire day with the curtains drawn and more tissue to rival that of a Blue Peter paper mache Tracy Island.
But in all seriousness, when I was approached to write up an article on what kind of filth we look up as a nation on PornHub, I was more than intrigued. Hell, in my freelancing career I’ve even been approached to write for an Orlando based escort agency (I turned it down by the way, wouldn’t exactly look well on the old Curriculum Vitae) and an erotic novella with a job description of “something not too seedy but enough to make my grandmother blush”, ugh. Anyway, I reached out (not a pun) and got in touch with Mike Williams of Pornhub who had a rather alarmingly detailed list of what, when and where Irish people decide to drop their trousers. Since 2010, PornHub’s traffic from the Emerald Isle has increased by a whopping 77% and has continued to grow ever since. January sees the largest amount of traffic as people instantly give up on their New Years Resolution and September is the quietest month as people sink into a depression now that the summer has been and gone.
Unsurprisingly, 10pm-1am is the highest daily traffic period as people take out their frustrations of yet another day at their unfulfilling job. However, the second highest boom time is 2pm-3pm, so avoid the bogs during lunch hour if I were you…or at least give the toilet seat a wipe.
On average, we tend to spend 9 minutes and skimming through 8 pages of flesh to find what we’re looking for, which is roughly the world average for questioning your life.
Top Traffic Regions in Ireland:
Pages per Visit/Average Visit Duration
1. Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown 8.49/0:09:12
2. South Dublin 8.35/0:08:57
3. Fingal 8.31/0:09:11
4. Galway City 8.26/0:09:15
5. Limerick City 8.05/0:09:20
6. Kildare 7.99/0:09:12
7. Dublin City 7.92/0:09:30
8. Country-Wide 7.8/0:09:07
9. Limerick 7.75/0:09:04
10. Sligo 7.74/0:09:12
11. Cork 7.71/0:09:02
The top three traffic areas in the country are Dublin City (58%), Cork (13%) and Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown (7%).
Basically, what the above information tells us is to be suspicious of any short-sighted people from the Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown area, Jesus lads get a hobby or something.
In a country of mammies boys, it isn’t exactly a surprise to see terms such as ‘milf’, ‘teacher’, ‘Irish’ being the most searched for terms. Keeping with the “durrty auld wan” theme, the most popular pornstar in the country is Lisa Ann, who just so happens to be the oldest woman in living memory. As for the more taboo search subjects, well ‘mom’, ‘massage’, ‘squirt’, ‘smoking’ and,er…’British’ are about as kinky as the Irish imagination gets.
But in a land renowned for its love of the craic, writers and apparently squirting mothers, we have also gifted the world with St. Patricks Day. So how does the rest of the world act on the day where everyone is Irish? Well, search terms such as ‘luck’ and ‘lucky’ are up by 260% and ‘Irish’ skyrocketed by 625%! But most disturbing of all was that ‘leprachaun’ searches were up an incredible 9325%, even poor old Saint Patrick himself was up 4948%…I mean why would you ev-, you know what I’m not even going to continue down that trail of thought.
However, lets not beat around the bush (ok that was a bad pun), the fairer sex are just as quick to drop their pants as the lads are. So, what is it that women want? Well, gay sex seems to be high on the agenda, with ‘lesbian’ and ‘gay (male)’ the top two search terms by women. Old wholesome favourites such as ‘anal’, ‘squirt’ and ‘hentai’ (don’t look it up) can also be found in the top search terms for women.
It’ll come as no surprise that the ‘For Women’ category is 193% more popular than it is with men, as is ‘lesbian’ at 132%. Women are also just as likely to look up ‘rough sex’, ‘double penetration’ and ‘gangbang’ than their male counterparts. One that took me by surprise was just how popular the ‘Solo Male’ category is, more than 103% more popular that is. I mean, a video of a guy sitting and having a pull, how is that hot? The female mind continues to baffle me.
The Top Five Most Searched Terms
Female/Male
1. Lesbian/Teen
2. Threesome/Milf
3. Squirt/Mom
4. Gangbang/Step Mom
5. Massage/Massage
Fairly contrasting searches bar massage, but who doesn’t love a good rub?
But, who is it that really gets her going? Well, reality TV stars seem to be in with Kim Kardashian, Mimi Faust and Farrah Abraham all featuring in their top searches. Away from the Celebrity D List, men much prefer Double D list with Lisa Ann, Madison Ivy and Asa Akira all featuring heavily.
Yet the ever changing face of technology is also leading to a younger audience browsing for flesh. The Dawn of the Millennials (people born between 1982-2000) now make up 60% of PornHubs user count. Dubbed the most tech savvy generation, millennials act differently to their old counterparts in how they interact and consume online. For example, older generations tend to use a PC 43% of the time to browse Pornhub whereas millenials use their smartphone 60% of the time to browse arse bobbing. In Ireland alone, the demograph is slightly different to the world average, with millennials making up 64% of the countrys clicks. Interestingly enough, Ireland ranks highest in millennial European countries. However, India wipes the floor with just about every country with millennials making up 80% of the countrys clicks. For those wondering, Japan is the country that (more than likely) struggles to get it up due to 25% of the population being 65 or over, leaving Japan rock bottom of the list with 48% of millennial visits.
But who is the the main cause of both men and women walking with a limp? Well, despite announcing her retirement last year, Lisa Ann remains by far the most popular pornstar. Nearly double the popularity of second place Madison Ivy, followed by Asa Akira, Christy Mack and finally Brandi Love.
One delight for the future is the self-proclaimed ‘Barely Legal Babe’ and PornHub “intern” Belle Knox, with a 4408 rank gain in popularity.
The only question that remains, is there anything that can interrupt frantic hand motions the globe over? Well, no. But certain events and holidays do see a rapid decrease in used tissue. The United Kingdom ranks highest in decreased sweaty palms, with a drop of 30% activity, followed by Australia (28%), Italy (25%) and Canada (22%) to name but a few. However, not every country sees a drop in activity, with Russia actually increasing its activity by 13%, well it does get cold and lonely on those long Russian winter nights. However, it’s New Years Eve that sees the biggest drop across thee board. With a global average of -44%, the true saints amongst us are the Swedes with a massive drop of 71% activity.
As for world events, well sports leads the way over tragedy and politics. Obviously the 2014 FIFA World Cup Final saw a drop of 42% of activity in Argentina and 38% drop in Germany. The 2014 Champions League Final saw a drop of 30% activity and the Olympics Opening Ceremony saw a 15% decrease in Russia. Although the country was enveloped in chaos, the Thailand Coup only saw a decrease of 4% in sprained wrists in the country, priorities I suppose.
Even the world of entertainment can affect its sleazy cousin, with the Oscars seeing a drop of 9% of rapid hand action in the US, followed by the Game of Thrones season finale (-7%), Walking Dead season premiere (-6%) and How I Met Your Mother season finale (-4%).
There we have it, an eye-opening voyage through the stained sheets that is PornHub. Has Ireland fully embraced its inner most pleasures? I doubt it, yet the country is on the way to becoming more open minded. Yet, it remains a long old road for a country that squirms at the sight of two people kissing in public. But from squirting mothers, leprachauns, smoking and short sighted Southsiders, PornHub really does have something for everyone…if you’re into that sort of thing of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, my wrist is starting to make a cracking noise.
