And so it was, the first Fine Gael leader to be returned in a general election. It’s been 70 days, 5 notable celebrity deaths and about 1000 obnoxious facebook posts from your politically self-righteous friends. Oh we’ve been tied up, sidestepped and bogged down over the last two months but it seems the sun is finally rising on a new Irish political dawn. Of course with the sun comes the shadow government.
It is difficult to tell exactly who is governing whom from the shadows, but it is fairly obvious that no one is very happy about what’s going on. Misdiagnosed Labour pains turned out to just be governmental contractions, Sinn Fein continued to throw shapes of all sizes in the hope that some would fit and Fianna Fail chose to abstain, although one suspects they may start sneaking in through the backdoor to satisfy their desires.
During the on going debates over how long politicians can deny the inevitable the country soldiered on. People woke up, went to work, complained about how the people they elected were useless, for all intents and purposes life didn’t really change. We had to endure a lot more Micheál Martin on the TV but Game of Thrones came back so that made up for it. We can be forgiven for losing interest in the whole ‘republic’ thing following the drawn out vote counting but now, as a nation, we face a test. Here are some cliff notes.
Water charges are now something we don’t have to pay, or we get paid back or God will just give it to us for free by melting a few square kilometres of Greenland, whatever, shut up and stop mentioning it already.
Amid growing concerns over how Ireland will react to impending immigration I personally see this government as a positive step towards including the marginalised in our society. In times of latent xenophobia we are not only letting minorities in, we’re putting them in charge. I mean, who cared about the forlorn plight of Micheal Lowry three months ago?
The issue of homelessness and housing reform has been left out in the cold. (Sorry, couldn’t resist)
Drug reform is still waiting for an injection of the new ideas activists and doctors around the country have been prescribing to our sickly system. The lack of action on this issue has got addicts throughout the country asking: “hand on my mother’s grave I lost my wallet, do you have 60 cent?”
So we can expect these issues to be top of the new government’s priority list. Following an appropriate break for the TD’s to get their minds straight after the past few months of course. Meanwhile, it’s time to go all House of Cards on these bitches.
First up on the cutting room floor a man with a name like vampiric royalty and the face of well kneaded dough, Leo Varadkar. Sure as far as he’s concerned his repositioning isn’t a slight against his outspoken ways. Two years ago, as far as he was concerned, pussy was delicious; I’m just saying perspectives change. Ultimately it’s not that big deal, it might be a step back, but it might also be to protect him from the political guillotine our health system is devolving into. For a man who reaped great civic success by coming out of the closet, he has no intention of vacating the cabinet. Lets just hope he can avoid whatever it is in the department of Social Health that stole the life from Joan Burton’s eyes.
Another potential usurper to Enda’s throne, Simon Coveney, has been awarded the Department of Housing, Planning and Local Government for his efforts. Considering the sizable work around social housing and the proposed institutional reforms Mr Coveney will have plenty of chances to drown before he even tries to surf the water charges issue.
The first victim of The Campaign Promise Strangler was discovered on Saturday morning. The mangled remains of a gender-balanced cabinet found lying in the corner of the Taioseach’s office. That said there were some samples of oestrogen found at the scene. Chief among the suspects is Regina Doherty. An impressive sled dog for Fine Gael in the past, Ms Doherty has taken the reigns for herself this term, more crucially, Enda has given her the Whip to go along with them.
The Taoiseach, conscious that he can only renege on so many deals before suffering a coup, paid off several independents quite well too. Shane Ross, Katherine Zappone and Dennis Naughton all get senior positions to help shore up Kenny’s leaky command. Dublin Bay North TD Finian McGrath has been given the enviable task of working out what exactly ‘super junior minister’ means. The common consensus is it’s a five-syllable way of pronouncing scapegoat.
If any of the new cabinet members get nervous during these unprecedented times they can rest assured that Fianna Fáil are there to help. Forming a protective circle around the government akin to those made by wolves or sharks, you know, friendly, helpful animals.
So here we are, two sworn enemies agreeing to service each other for the greater good. Many wonder why it took us 70 days to get here, especially when a 69 was so inevitable. Now all that remains to be seen is which one will come on top.